JUST STOP MESSING WITH MY THANKSGIVING FOOD ALREADY In the past week I've read about fifteen article with this kind of headline:
29 Unconventional Thanksgiving Sides That Should Be the New Normal
No. I do NOT want Vegan stuffing. I do NOT want Polenta stuffing. And HELL NO I don't want Vegan Pumpkin Basil Pinwheels. I want turkey (the one time a year I do want turkey), stuffing, oyster dressing, corn pudding and green bean casserole. We shall discuss.
WE'VE GOT A THIEF IN OUR OFFICE AND I MUST CATCH HIM OR HER Because whoever it is drank all my fizzy water and DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY LEAVE ME A SINGLE CAN. This will not stand. I need a skullduggery plan to execute when I get back from vacation to catch this scallywag.
I GET EMAILS AND THIS ONE NEEDS YOUR HELP! Read this:
I’m wondering if you have a conversation guide for Republicans who will be spending time with their Democrat families this holiday season. My wonderful family, whom I adore otherwise, are well versed in politics and seem unable to see any good on the Republican side. I’d love to be knowledgeable about the facts without having to watch CNN or Fox nonstop for the next few days.
Any advice for me?
Your adoring fan,
First of all, note how she signed it. When you sign things "Your adoring fan" they do get more attention. Seriously though, we need to help her!
JIM ACOSTA GOT HIS PRESS PASS BACK So his ugly mug will be back in the press pool. I fully expect President Trump to announce he will never allow another question from Acosta or simply ignore him. If he doesn't than we know he secretly likes sparring with his CNNemesis.
THE ROSEANNE-LESS THE CONNERS IS TANKING BADLY And now the cast, many of whom supported the firing of Roseanne after racially tinged Twitter comments, are now being asked to take a big pay cut. Roseanne must be enjoying this.
THE COLORADO BLUE WAVE WAS AN UNAFFILIATED CONNIPTION FIT And the Colorado Sun does a good analysis of why Republicans lost. And it was Trump. Which is cold comfort to the rest of us who are now going to have to live under the rule of we-have-a-mandate Democrats. Thanks UAVs, thanks a pantload.
TIRED OF DRY TURKEY? I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU
THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH STARTS IN YOUR GUT It was Hippocrates who said that "all disease starts in the gut" and now researchers are delving hard into that theory. Now they've discovered a certain gut microbe that may be the key to a long and healthy life. It's working in rats anyway.
SO TOM, WHERE YOU FROM? Ever wanted to know where your frozen turkey came from? Now a new code system can let you track down it's life before you...uh...eat it. I'm genuinely not sure why this is a thing.
LET'S WELCOME THE FLAT EARTHERS TO DENVER! Yep, an entire convention of people who believe the Earth is flat is happening in Denver right now. God bless 'em.
LET'S TALK DEATH ROW MEALS FOR A MOMENT We have to say it like this because it's an easy way to say "what should your last meal on earth be". This article from National Review has some good ones. Mine would for sure be something seafood. Because that's what I love more than anything in the world, food wise.
WHEN IS IT TIME TO THROW IN THE TOWEL? WHEN YOU LOSE 53 STRAIGHT, THAT'S WHEN And a college in Indiana decided to just give up it's football program when that happened. And who could blame them?
I JUST LAUGHED SO HARD AT THIS